The invisible hand....

Ah yes, econs students all know this term by the well known Adam Smith..(Xiang si Adam Smith? Ah pek and ah chek and ah um...meng si Guiness ey ta po model hor, yi gor si Adam King..Adam King si teng nang, Adam Smith si Ang Moh..)

Well we all know what Mr Smith is famous for...and no its not the flop of the century starring Brad Pitt and the tomb raider lady....Adam Smith was famous for coming up with the theory on the Invisible Hand.

I am an academic, an A++ student, on the bean's list with a Summa Claude van damme degree....(its supposed to be a spin off from summa cun laude..FINE...BE THAT WAY), so anwyayas, we know that the Invsible hand is supposedly cannot be felt but exists anyways. What we do not know, is that this theory is not abt supply and demand, this theory existed looooong before Adam Smith even came up with it....Its essentially, abt boys...and gals..

Think abt it, a girl at a disco, say zouk or china black..(its closed down people)..girls walking and squeezing with the crowds..and then they feel their asses getting grabbed, and they look back and they dunno who did it, now thats what i call an invisible hand...Too bad Adam Smith wrote a paper on it first,,,sigh,, could have been me...COULD HAVE BEEN ME I TELL U...

oh well..time for zouk this week to practise my invisible hand...any gals free this week??

My new best friend, I'm so Pho thing

Yo yo yo whassup my me people...westside...anyways...im so freaking elated man. Im like so happy right now i could scream (saying it in a blonde kinda way..u know..like whateveerrrrr)..ok anyways..

Was at Zouk over the weekend, or should i say Phuture..and my friend came up to me and said, "hey,, Rosalind is here, i intro u to her"..and i was stunned...literally, figuratively, technically, lily stunned..Rosalind..the cutest gal in the world, the sweetest thing on Channel 5. It was her that i watched Light Years. I found a reason to show, a side of me u didn;t know...and so i tot why not....

Then my friend brought her to the table, and suddenly, amist the dark surroundings of the disco (its dark cos well erm, its a disco maybe??) anyways, though it was dark, she glowed with perfection, she could have worn the ugliest outfit that day and she still would have been shinning in her armour...then she smiled and said "Hi im ros," That was the moment ive been waiting for all my life..the reason i was born had been made real...it was my chance..my time...so i shook her hand and introduced myself......and.......

Well that was pretty much it..she turned away and carried on her stuff...still in awe..my right hand was glowing..it had become my new best friend. It was previously my friend for one reason only (think..me myself and my right hand..what else can i use it for?? go figure)..anyways...now my right hand has 2 reasons to be special..Im never gonna wash my right hand again..the last i checked...2 days and counting...

But mind you, she is very sweet in real life..she had me at hello...she had me at hello....(background music plays..Secret Garden by Bruce Springstein)..now if u excuse me..i need to take a crap..and im still not gonna be washing my right hand..PEACE..

I know I can I must

Yo yo yo whats up my brudders from other mothers..Im back.. but dun get ur panties all tied up though.haha...Anyways...(takes a deep breath)..here goes...

Was reading the papers on Sunday right and there was an article on motivational speakers. Highlighting all their success stories and all...how theyve all became from poor to super rich...and i decided..hey how hard could it be..just talk cock sing song go Hong Kong and get paid thousands...i mean i talk all the time..so much in fact until people just ignore me..but why not turn my gift of the gap into a multimilliondollar machine...as it is my mouth is a multi sensation machine....girls who know what i mean..wink to u..haha..ok never mind...hopping on the band wagon..ive decided to provide FREE..yes u heard it..Free motivational advices..once u readers spread my name...ill have the proper credentials to start up my Henserm Learning Center...BE MY AMBASSADORS PEOPLE...DO IT...DO IT....DOO IT..Here goes..

"when i was just a little boy, i asked my mother, what will i be..will i be rich. will i be pretty, this was what she said to me...Que sara sara....", "To be on the right path, u always have to start from the left", "The only thing seperating you from being Hired and Fired is the letter G", "To rise to the Top, u need to start from the bottom","when the water flows to a river, there will be fish", and my favourite from a friend of mine, he said "when the duck swims to the end of the river, it will turn back" ...

How am i doing so far? not bad huh...i charge cheaper than most motivational speakers..Will work for sex....or anything along those lines....PEOPLE..DO UR JOB...SPREAD MY NAME...SAY MY NAME..SAY MY NAME.....!Henserm (the exclamation mark means a click in my name)...repeat after me..I know..I can...I must.....we must we must we must increase our bust...

A moment of silence

Ever been in a situation where u are talking to a group or maybe jus a few friends, laughing joking talk cocking...and then, silence...i mean, im sure it happens. There comes a point where sometimes u have nothing else to talk abt with ur friends or whatever, then u look at ur watch and u realise its only 3 pm and u are at starbucks...u cant say oh im tired and go off home....its real awkward....

Heres some ways u can handle the moment of silence, which is mostly inevitable.

1) Take out ur handphone and pretend to sms, like those people do at mambo when a lousy song comes on or they dunno the moves...
2) say "wah today damn hot ah, or wah lau,everyday rain rain,,si bei sian..."
3) just let one rip and hopefully ur friends find it funny and u guys can laugh for another 3 mins or so
4) quietly hum or sing to a nice pop song, ur friends will "ey, thats the new britney song hor, ee i dun like..." vuala, another conversation topic..
5) dig ur nose and play with the nose shit, ur friends would rather not talk to u after that in any case...
6) Say u need to go pang sai and leave for about half an hour, hopefully by the time u get back, ur friends would have been talking abt something
7) Always make sure u have a drink or food, that way u can jus eat or drink..

Well as u can see, its hard for me as it is to even think of things to do while writing this entry, Im not very good at handling the silence, hence i try to avoid it altogether,, i dun meet friends,, hmmm...maybe thats why i have no friends...hi..care to chat? ASL please....24 M chinese....

You know are short when....

To be poilitically correct, people call me vertically challenged...how unfortunate...

Anyways, we are always in denial, I remember when i primary school, u try to compare height and we always put our hand on our head and do a salute like thing to show ur friends that u are taller than them or same height, however we always fail to forget that short people like me always salute diagonally, hence having the misconception that we aint that short..sigh...
So anyways right,,,,from personal experience...how do u know u are short?? and not be in denial...well..you know u are short when:

You starting lining up during morning assemly somewhere in the middle and along the years, you find yoursef moving closer towards the national flag when singing the national anthem every morning....

You are at zouk and you cant even see ur friend who is just one person infront of you..

you stand on the escalator thats going down and u can put the umbrella on the next step without bending down...

You find yourself always in front when taking photos..

you find urself altering every pants and shirt you buy.....

you realise that only when all ur friends have been hit on by girls, then only you get hit on...probably by another short girl...

and a whole lot more..but to all those tall people out there....dun be too happy...im sure u have heard of the number 7 rule ..... (think short thumb, long index finger....yesh..go fig)....

The intricate design of our human body..

So i was taking dump today..like twice..and i realised everytime i shit...urine will follow....and i realised..how amazing the human body is. Have you ever wondered that u have to use more force to shit than to take a leak....which probably explains why when u shit, the pee whizzes out as well.

which kinda makes sense...i mean, if it was the other way around, where u have to use more force to pee and less to shit...then esp for guys when we take a piss while standing up, shit will inevitably come out......that also when u will say to urself "shit man" or "oh shit".

For the ladies, well u are all designed quite flawlessly so even if shit does come out while u are peeing,,its alright,, u were designed to sit down...its all stated in ur blue prints...Girls are engineered for perfection....guys are jus engineered to screw things up....wink....yes i did the innuendo thing again..im good aint i..haha

In any case, dun u think its amazing...i mean it really is, how we are designed and how our body functions...think abt it...respect ur body...respect mine..let me respect urs....wink...

Hand Jobs

Once again, innuendo is the soul of my blog, the foundation, without it...well..i dun really know...

Do you remember those hand games we used to play in school? Primary and secondary i mean. Games like scissors paper stone, jee gu pa, and the ZHA ZHA game...the zha zha game is where u have a man, gun and bomb or something..u use two hands and play and u try to kill the other persons hand...doesnt seem to make sense when im writing..who cares...

how abt the game where u twist ur hands and curl it up to ur nose and use ur index fingers to touch ur nose only to find that ur fingers interlock...heres a hint,,,its left over right... not right over left.

Or the game where u put ur palms together like u were praying and try to smack the other persons praying palms. or the one where ur friend puts his two hands on top or urs, both palms facing eaach other and the palm that is below tries to hit the other guys hand.....or my favourite...the game where u use both fingers joined together to try to dislodge ur opponents other two fingers joined together, starting from ur piggy finger all the way up to ur thumb...my strongest was always the middle fingers...in fact when im driving and someone pisses me off...the middle finger is also the strongest....

Ah, as we get older and more mature, we tend to improve ourselves, from playing such harmless interacting hand games to more interactive hand games....i scratch u u scratch me...i touch u u touch me...i rub...er...ok nvm....forget i mentioned anything...u din hear anything....

Through the backside or the mouth?

All the perverts out there, please raise up your hands if u tot about naughty stuff when u read this title....i know u did...cos at Henserm, we're perverts too...(ok its supposed to be a spin off Mobil's motto)...

But anyways,nope its not abt the analing and the blowing...haha...ok...back to being cultured. I was reloading my mechanical pencil few days back (hmm..silence...looking around) NO LA, i really mean a pencil...please mine is not pencil, its a python...anyways...i found myself putting the lead from the front of the pencil..I mean, the correct way is the take out the rubber from its backside (oh man, the innuendos..sheeshh)...anyways..i mean the eraser that we always use until its level with the back tip of the pencil, and then we start using a staplet to poke a hole and try to dig the eraser out..haha...

OK ANYWAYS, yeah the correct way is to do backside in, but think abt..i bet u never have tot and wondered and realise, that a lot of us put the lead from the front. We press the backend of the pencil, and slowly align the lead neatly into the front hole..

which got me remembering what a friend of mine asked me before..He went "(my name), ur pang sai zua roll (toilet roll) ah, is it inside out or outside in." he also asked me "when u wipe ur ass after shitting, do u do up down...or down to up"

For the former, i think i do it outside in cos its easier to find the start of the tissue and easier to tear the 3 pieces to fold into a square to wipe 3 times, for the latter, i normally wipe left to right..

The point is, there are many reasons for us doing things..is it just based on preference or could there be some underlying hidden behavioural science involved. Hmm...chew on it...i mean think abt it la...bloody perverts.....

I've been violated

So I went to see this doctor for a medical checkup right for certain reasons..and it was a female one....(ah yes, u all know where this story is headed)...So anyways, no names will and shall be mentioned here, to protect the identity of well, me...and of course to prevent any case of defamation.

So after answering the medical questionaire, the doctor gave me a check up. The routine height and weight, blood pressure test, then there was the heart beat check..which i was on the bed..And then..she said "loosen ur shorts, i need to check for...." so i did.. and she jus checked at the pubic area right..and i was..ok heng ah.....then she further said "just relax, i need to check your......"..and lo and behold, she pull down my boxers and well...felt something...

Well of course she wore gloves, but its was those thin thin types..like literally no gloves at all...and i was like ..eeewwwww....I mean, not that i've never been down that road before, but i've never been down THIS one if u know what i mean.

but anyways, good thing she was not a super pretty lady or something, things would have been pretty awkard if she was..also,, she had like bangles on her hands...good thing they din get caught in the bushes...boy that would have hurt terribly....

so she got me to stand up (no literally on my feet idiots... not stand up as in...u get my drift...) and i was ready to put on my pants when she said "leave it there" and i was....oh shit.....NOT THE COUGHING THING...and at that point,, my python was seriously retracting into it's cave. And i was thinking,, should i think of something dirty, u know..its a pride thing... but i was like..better not...i was wearing boxers...If i did not control well, i could very well do a mari kita..so i figured...oh well..die lor...luckily, she just had to check for my breathing chest or somehitng..so it was ok...the python slowly crept out of its cave after...

I mean, we all had fantasies with nurses and maybe doctors,,, think Grey's Anatomy,, but eeewwwwwww.....when reality strikes, it's not always Sandra Oh.......

ok, now if you would excuse me, i need to go and bathe...and use protex...or dettol...or maybe some antiseptic cream...oh crap, did i jus say cream....today is gonna be a bad day....sigh...

Still dunno which school to send your kid 2...

Was reading the Sunday Times and came across the article on peeping toms whose dick are not only harry but horny... And of course, the only one not mentioned is my university, brings a whole new meaning to we are different. Think we should change our catch phrase to we are not perverts. anwyays, my school aint all that different, Im very sure that we have our fair share of peeping toms, i know,, cos I erm, ok never mind..

Anyways right,i think its not the problem with the school but society itself. Look at the report, that peeping tom was a counsellor or something. u know, something like school prefect. That's the damn problem, u hardly get guys from sports team who are peeping toms, why, cos A) they always get the girls, B) they are physically and mentally active, they divert their attention away from these shit.

These society and club members are not physically fit, they jus use their brains all the time..think think think until they get fried and they snap. And let me tell u, do u wonder why guys join societal clubs like AVA club, Photography club and such, cos they hope to meet girls. Now i must dislaim there are people who are genuinely interestered in photography, or chess, thats fine.. but AVA club?? Which is why u see at NUS or NTU or SMU orientation camps, THERE ARE MOSTLY GUYS...when there are actually more girls in the cohort. Cos guys are CHEE HONG AND DEPSERATE....

Im not saying the society clubs are bad, i was a member of the chinese composition club in secondary school, i learnt a lot from it, i learnt to get a D7, better than expected. And i turned out fine, cept for sometimes when i peep over when using the urinal.. BUT ITS NATURAL, WE JUS WANT TO COMPARE SOMETIMES....

The point is, these intelligent students seem nice on the outside, they are actually sick on the inside...some la at least.. not all...theres more to life than jus studies and girls ok,,, theres boobs, nipples and a whole lot more.. but look, engage in a sport...clean sport.go jogging or play soccer...lead a healthy liefstyle..Stop staying in the counsel room playing carem or table soccer...those are not sports..get out, get some fresh air...

So parents, which Uni????

You're Beautiful

Hej Hej (sounds like hey hey), thats how the people in Sweden say hi to each other...rude u might think, well if u compare to what we say here in Singapore... *chhoooot* Ooi ooi, not much difference if u ask me...

so anyways right, the title would lead girls reading this blog to think,,,oh my,, is Henserm talking about me...hmmm..NO...haha...not everything is about u my dear...whoever my dear is la...the world does not revolve around u....it revolves around me......

So anyways right, there was this concert in school and the this indian dude from EIC..haha..yesh everyone know Jack's good Indian friend..so yup her sang the song by James not sharp entitled duh,,read the damn title..

so he went to this part "She caught my eye, as i walked on by, she could see from my face that i was..fucking high, and i dun think that ill see her again, we share a moment that would last till the end.." People do actually think this is a cheesy song..I liked it,, hated it and now i love it..cos it actually relates to me...

let me explain, was in school one day right,,,walking and this girl going down the escalator look quite chio la..so i kinda checking her out,,,then she looked at me,,,prob realised i was checking her out...i wanted to look away but my eyes just fixated on her..and then...she literally smiled at me...and as she moved down the escalator, she disappeared into the horizon, into the abyss of my heart, never to appear again...sob sob...sad right..i know..here's a teesssuueeee for u....

Truth is, we shared a moment that would last till the end,, end of the term at least,, but sigh, i dun think ill ever see her again..of course one friend said its cos he was standing behind me at that time.. but i doubt so...after all, they call me Henserm for a reason....

So anyways, HOT GIRL of school, please smile at me again..cos frankly..i cant really remember how u look like liao....but i know u look hot la...that's if i can remember correctly....so girls in school, if u not sure if its u..jus smile at me..ok...kudos...muchos Gracias...chow....

Which school to send your kid to?

Hi peeps, Im back...for those who have never read my blog before... welcome.. for those who has read it before and wondering when will be my next entry, here it is... but erm... dun expect me to make regular entries...im kinda fresh out of ideas....im just typing now cos im so freaking bored right now..

So anyways right, as society becomes more and more knowledge based, parents and students are spoilt for choices...which of the 4 universities should they send their kid to and stuff....but before that, they have to decide should i go poly or JC, JC stands for junior college,, not the guy from Nsync....

So anyways, me cometh frometh Junior college and looking at things, i suggest parents to send their kids to JC but in all fairness, i reckon kids will wanna go Poly, esp now....

Im sure every tom's dick whose harry would have heard about Tammy...the nyp idol...and almost everyone has blogged abt it, so i figured why not me blog too...so anyways..im not gonna make fun of her and stuff and criticise...in all fairness. i kinda think she look pretty and cute...a bit ah lianish...well actually very ah lianish.. but hey...thats what makes her truly Singapolean...but anyways back to her...she is quite jude lei...oh well..but she is very young..heres an advice to all girls...being at such a young age...the guy wun stay with u one..they will choot at some other girls as they grow older...its called puberscent blues..WAKE UP.....

So anyways ya, besides this, apparently NYP had also another scandal where a lecturer had sex and stuff for a year with a student..in the office......HOW COOL SHIT IS THAT..its always been my fantasy to u know..DO IT with a senior figure..well ok..nurse would be my first.. but student teacher is pretty cool..anyways...if in fact the news is accurate..the lecturer was married..so yeah.that kinda stinks...i say no to immorality...

So back to basics right, if i do become a parent..im definitely not gonna send my kid to Poly...I mean, I aint gonna want him/her becoming a porn star or having an affair with the prof....

But from a student's point of view...i mean...poly is great...thats what differentiates poly peeps from the JC peeps, they have first hand industrial experience....from biological engineering to video editing..whats more the teachers come in direct contact in the students internships......hmm.....maybe i have wasted my days in JC.....damn....

Lift me up.......

Have you ever wondered where is the one place you do not wanna meet anyone? Im not sure how true it is, but i hate to meet people in the lift, or elevator as some would call it.

How often have we walked into the lift, especially in an office building, and in the lift, there are people talking, very artificially. Conversations like " Oh hi John, how are you? Where are you going?" Duh, im in the office lift, of course im going to my office.... "Oh new bag?" "Oh no, i just dun carry it often to work" "Oh, hmm, no wonder.. i never noticed it before..hur hur"...hmm.....And the guy is like counting the floors left to go....."Oh here is my floor, yeah see u soon..bye"..and then a sigh of relief..hahaha...weird place to be in...

How often, again in an office building, when u urself meet ur colleague that u are not too close with, or worse,, your boss? "Er boss, just had lunch?" Duh, its 2pm? of course i just had lunch,, then dinner ah??? hahah...Or u meet a big post guy from another department.."So John, hows work". "Oh, good so far... and you?" "Hows your kid doing." "Oh, he jus had his PSLE and he got 4 A stars..." "WOw, thats great, you must be real proud.." "yes i am, im very proud of my son"...sheeshh..

Everyone in the lift will just hear two people talk abt their sons or work...WHO CARES......hahahah

I normally try to avoid people in the lift. If i see someone familiar in the lift.. i pretend to look down or not enter the lift and look at my watch...bt sometimes the damn lift door does not close so soon and i have to keep looking at my watch for at least a minute...sheesh.

So if u guys ever see me in the lift,, please pretend not to see me..cos i will surely pretend not to see u....not that i dont like u but its jus weird to talk in the lift...then again, maybe i do not like u thats why..wahaha

The Finishing Touch....

Well, let's see now. They say that the first impression always counts. That's what socialising, interview books or even dating books advise you on. Even the wonderful course that my school enforces everyone to take, of which i did not do too well, talks about the importance of the first impression. And for once in my life, I agree with whatever school and books have to say.

Truly, madly and indeedly, the first impression counted for me. Just did an internship during my summer hols. And boy was i happy to get that phonecall from the HR saying i was hired. I was like.. finally i got an internship and finally, someone has discovered my talent.

So I went to work on the first day. Putting on a tie, a bright white shirt and my brightest smile ever..Walked into the office, i was greeted by what seemed to be forced smiles by the ladies in my department. Of course, naturally, i figured i had made a good impression there and then, with my charm and good looks.

Along the course of the internship, i actually discovered the truth as to why I was greeted by such "welcoming" smiles, and the occasional giggles.

Reading thru my resume, the nice and pretty ladies of the department thought that i looked really cute and handsome and they were like "hmm...wah this boy look quite yan dao, think he will fit in ok la"...

Then as i walked in the office on the first day, the thoughts that went thru their minds were, and i quote from one lady who was always trying to "sabo" me but i know its cos im just too cute, she said, "when hor, you walked in, and we all saw u, we turned to each other and "Huh, so short ah.He does not look so short in his photo lei." and i was thinking to myself, "wah piang, kana sai."

Well, the first impression always counts. Of course along the course of the internship, they learnt not to look at my shortcomings, literally, and appreciated what i had to offer...my looks...one lady even "choaped" me to have her daughter marry me when she reaches legal age, in about say, 15 years time...

First impression counts, but u need to have that factor to carry it off...like me....

Fat chance....

Was watching re runs of The Fresh Prince a while back. Boy was that a damn good show, the one that shot Will Smith to stardom....but anyways, that particular episode had a comment about fat people....and of course this was fairly interesting to me..I've been hearing fat jokes since I dunno when...

Of course the most recent one is by the most popular guy Russell Peter's with his "your mother is so fat that when she jumped for joy, she got stuck" joke..Trust me, that was one of the best fat jokes i've heard ever.

I recall fat jokes of the nutty professor as well and one which goes like "Your mother is so fat, that her wasteline is the size of the equator"...

And the list goes on. But just when I tot i heard it all, the Fresh Prince proves me wrong. In that episode, one man said to Will, "Your father is so fat, that when he went to school, he sat next to EVERYONE..."Believe you me..i burst out laughing on the spot. To me, that was the best fat joke ever...

So anyways, I've been pretty busy these few days hence the patheticly sparse entries, but this joke thingy came to my mind and hence this entry,,,jus tot i'd share....take care yall...

When two buttons was all we needed...

Was at a friend's room drinking recently and of course with drinks, the world started spinning. So i looked up at his shelves and this plastic like thingy caught hold of my eye. This Swedish dude had a Nintendo game console. Not the super nintendo, but the old Nintendo..the one with controllers with only 2 buttons, 1 & 2.

Man did that bring back good memories. Im sitting down here and writing this entry and at the same time I am thinking of the time when I had my own Nintendo. Boy was that shit loads of years ago. I remember one of my very first games that I got was a game called Excite Bike. It was a motorcross game and you could build your own race circuit and you could make ur bikes like go round and round. I have a vague memory of it but I was pretty sure that that game was one of the most popular games around.

Of course boys being boys, the next game was Contra...Aka...Delta Force..yeah..that game got a lot of us boys stucked playing it all day. I always liked getting the flame blower but the spread of red balls was good as well. Running,, jumping and somersaulting...man it was fun..but I dun remember completing the game though.

But what really got me smiling when writing this entry is that i remember a particular medicinal method..a cure that was probably universal and was used to troubleshoot the common malfunctions of the Nintendo. It was very common that when the games were put into the console and was swtiched on, the game did not appear. So what I did, and im sure everyone else did was to take the game cartridge out and blow it. It was a quick blow, from left to right and somehow it always did the trick. The theory was that the game had dust on it.

Another problem but not so common one was that the spring holding the game down was spoilt, so i remember a fren using white tape to always tape his game cartridge down.

Man those were the days, now i am not too sure about how the X boxes and PS2 work now but it was really fun "fixing" the spoilt games ourselves. It's kinda nice when u actually think about it...memories....they last....

Close encounter with my own kind...

No, I was not almost probed anally by aliens...but it did feel as though someone stuck something up through me where the sun dun shine...

Was in Denmark visiting my cock of a fren who called me Chicken for some reason which i may or may not explain in future posts....So we were like deciding where to eat for dinner right...so we came to this Balinese restaurant.

We thought,, yeah Indonesian food, but when we entered...they were playing Mandarin songs, so we thought, not bad... Chinese atmosphere right..So this cute chinese dude came to welcome us and showed us to our seat...He was like super frenly cos i think he could finally talk to customers who could speak guangdong hua. Well me and my fren are of the C5 C6 standard... but it worked out jus fine....So mr frenly chinese dude was like recommending us stuff to eat and I was like..hmm.. nice..i feel so at home now...

So we ordered the food and drinks.. my fren asked for a coke while i said "Shuay", meaning water. In Europe notmally when u ask for water they give u like mineral water...but this dude gave me tap water. And i was like..yeah...water from the tap...cheap cheap free free....In my heart i was counting the bill, yeah i saved money from my drinks...

So the bill came and of course i paid...im how nice right...anyways..so i saw the bill...coke -- $35 Kr ...water -- $10 Kr....

!!!!I was like what....tap water for Singapore $2.5....sheesh.... And i tot that chinese dude would be nice to me and stuff..u know..same ancestorial origins and all...sheesh....Rule of thumb... dun trust anyone..........Sheesh... $2.5???#$#@$

The Sound of Silence....

This post is not for the faint hearted. Simon and Garfunkel would have been pleased with the way they handled the sound of silence....but have u ever wondered why sometimes, silence can be so deafening? (yeah i know,, the defeaning silence is a rip off from somewhere...but hey...who's counting)

Have you ever realised that it is in silence is when u hear the most bizzare things you will never hear in your life...or actually wish to hear...? Well hold on to your panties guys, cos this the story of the true sound of silence....Point to note,, silence never exists...

Was sleeping like yesterday night right, and I was about dozing off to sleep, with many thoughts in my head, thoughts that should not be there but were there and...shit, why i am telling u all these? Anyways... so i was sleeping right, dozing off and stuff, and i was awaken by the Silence (Horror music comes in here...de de deng......)

It was so deafening, I want to hear it again? (Oh wow, tell me more!! What's this sound you heard Henserm)...Chill chill, im getting there... So at first there was silence..and then........

"Oh, Ah,,, yes yes...and then a long ohhhhhh" and the sound which i will never forget, "Pong"..I was like...HUH....Ahs and Ohs and Yes,, i know them all (Im quite the learned one), but "Pong"??? Did the guy have glass for his woohoo....?

Apparently a glass fell on the floor...Then there was silence....deep blue silence....I never knew where the sound came from, top, bottom, left or right, I dunno.... but there in the silence and darkness tonight and the nights to come, I will wait...I will wait......oooh.....how hornifying is that......be afraid...be very afraid...

Then I go and spoil it all by doing something stupid like......

So i've been travelling right for the past few weeks and now im in Scandanavian Lands....So i entered class for the first time and I was the only yellow coloured dude in the whole class..not to mention the shortest among the guys...So naturally I'd feel a lil out cos I was not too sure if they'd talked to me...But along they way,, the people conversed with me..partly cos on those days, there weren't many people in class and so they prob tot hey why not talk to this chinese dude...

Well..that was wat i tot at first... then i realised,, it was not me or my coloour..it was my insecurity. And so bravely enuff, i started talking and of course they kinda liked this cute and handsome chinese dude now.

So I was in the zone..happening and stuff.Things were going so well.. too well in fact. I got my bicycle few days back and I was cycling to school to meet my frens (Yes peeps, I have frens)...So as i was approaching the school when I tot I saw my frens..K and R. So while slowing down, i skillfully got stood up so that my body was on the right side of the bike while it was still moving..me, trying to dual task, i looked at my "Frens" who were diagonally to my left..then of course, I soon realised it was not them and by the time i had turned my face front,, there was a lamppost....

No prizes for guessing... now i guess im the school loser....but hey..it was fun while it lasted.....better had than never had at all...sigh....

Love me ah!!!! Wa lau ey.....

It was late,, well slightly past evening but still dark. Was on the rooftop terrace..not my house but the durian place. There was a performance....A male.. then, a girl... the girl she sang a song, a sad song, a nice song.
This song, I now officially declare, to be THE most liked song by all Ah Lians. While you might think of techno songs or canto pop, you be mistaken. The sophistication of ah lians go beyond skin deep... Exfoliate a lil, and you'd see the softer side...Well or maybe its just a goal to sound sophisticated. This song, such a beautiful song, by Colin Raye known as Love me..Im pretty darn sure most ah lians out there love this song to bits..I can imagine them telling to their boyfriends, " Wa. Zhe ge song, wa lau, si bei nice si bei sweet. I hear hor, I feel like want to cry lei.Damn sad la this song....." And their bf's go " Wa dear ah, hao ting lei...love you la dear.." eeeeee...go fig....

Anyways, then came the guy who sang another song which i strongly back the notion of it being the most loved ah beng song. Yes, Michael learns about rock comes close... but not that band... its actually the song by Air Supply,, all out of love...I can imagine the guys serenating... ( once again im not sure how to spell) to their girls..and the girls will be like swooning over their cool studs...oh boy..sheesh..

So anyways, I came up with an ah beng version of the air supplying song....
the chorus goes like " I'm all out of lub ( supposed to be love) , Im damn lost wit out chew la, yao bu yao zhou stead ( means do you want to be my steady?? Ah bengs always asks girls to be their stead...for whatever that means la), Wo lim bei never wrong one......"

hhmm... dun think im cut out to be a singer song writer huh....

Girls are becoming more cleverer by the day....

Looking for a toy known as Jay Jay the helicopter for my nephews cos their mother HINTED big time to me to get them presents.. only she failed to correct that it was not a helicopter but an aeroplane instead.. what freaked me out was that i actually knew it was an aeroplane character..sheesh.. too much kids central for me..

Anyways, at the toy shop i saw some ah bengs playing Xbox..and there i stood, memories,, all alone in the moonlight...ok anyways...yeah there i stood.. remembering those times when I used to love game consoles.. MY first console was this sega thingy.. my mum used to keep all the games cos i din study, but she din know that the console had a snail maze game installed in it..boy was she tricked.. then my next was a sega 16 bit. My cousin had a PC Engine and one more which i cant put my finger on right now...but it was a popular console for the king of fighters, the old old version. Then came super famicom which i regretted.

The point is, while things improved, i realised that long ago, when girls were kinda, not that intelligent. The only game they liked to play was Super Mario. For some reason, they always used Luigi...and they always died after they got the fire flower. The other game they only knew how to play was Sonic. I guess those times, girls were more 2-D. But as time progressed, they began to rule games like puzzle bubble and fighter and stuff....

If this is anything to go by,, beware guys,,, the ladies are getting cleverer and cleverer... and we guys,, we are getting stupider and stupider...and u know.. er..hmm..what did i say?..hello? er..hmm.. shit i cant rememberer....hmm...

Two's a crowd, three is just wrong..

So anyway I know I'm supposed to stop talking abt toilets and I know people out there are sick of it, but what am i to do, everyone's lives revolves around it.

So I enter the toilet at my workplace right, like early in the morning, intending to take a shit. Theres only two cubicles and one has just been occupied (I knew cos i heard the door close). So i entered the other vacant one.As usual, I lay the seat with paper. "PPRRAAATTT", my neighbour let one rip and boy did it stink. Here I was getting ready to sit, and now i have to use my right arm to cover my nose/mouth. (by this time my mouth was twisted. I was praying so hard that the automatic toilet perfume would spray quick, it did, 5 mins later. I let one drop and I immediately left, (Yes, i din shit all that had to be shat..)

So anyways, two hours later i was in the toilet at another floor, this time I entered alone. This time, as I was ready to shit, another person joined me in my escapade....There was only two of us,, a deep silence, deafening at times. the silence seemed to last for years. I would think that the other guy was waiting for me to make the first move.... Unfortunately, I did. " Prreert, doooomp." I was trying hard to not be the first one to let mine go, trust me, its embarrassing, especially when it's all so quiet. But i could not hold it. When the other dude came in, my "frens" were already queueing up at the door. (Now come on, it would be rude of me to not open the door for them ya, Im a polite guy)

So anyways, the guy started later but reached the end zone earlier than me. While i was getting comfy, I was in my zone..., I heard a sound. ( Now, put one hand on ur shirt and rub up and down) Yes that's the sound of the dude, wiping his ass, the exact sound. (If u were thinking that the guy was doing something else, u are disgusting and somebody's gonna get a hurt). Believe u me, that sound is far worse when u hear it live....

The point is, dun we all like to take a peaceful quiet time to let go, even in public toilets. When theres someone beside u, doing the do, it gets quite hard to do ur own do. As if someone is watching....or is there???? hmmmmm(the X-files music comes in here)

Sleep Tease

In case you din know, its a pun on the words "Strip tease" (or however u spell it)..
Anyways, with a new internship comes the discipline to wake up early. If there's anything i've learnt in the past 2 weeks of working, it's the irritatingness of sleep.
Imagine having to wake up at 7am in the morning. So you set your alarm to ring at that time. Now imagine you have to wake up and pee. So in the middle of the night u pee at say 4 am... u wake up, u pee and as u return to bed, u notice that the clock spells 4 am. Pretty alright. nothing wrong.
But what happens if you wake up to pee at 630am!!!!! Now imagine that happens to you not once, not twice but for close to a week.
I mean, why can't i just dun pee throughout my sleep, why can't i just wake up and pee at 3 or 4 am.. Im feel happy whenever i wake up at 1 or 2 am to pee cos i know that i still have about 5 hours more to sleep. I've tried not drinking water before i sleep, I've tried not drinking after dinner.I've even tried not drinking the whole day. (dun try that)
Seriously, the feeling of waking up to pee and realising that you have only anoth half hour to sleep before ur alarm rings is damn irritating, like super irritating, like duh, like yeah, like whatever..(the blondish accent should come in here).
Anyways, this entry has a lot of imagining to do yeah. This is wat is called active participation...if it's too much for u to imagine.. then better go sleep....

I can't stop this narcolepsy slide...

Been dormant for a while. It's rather sad. Noone cared to say "hey, why aren't u updating ur blog?". Just when I needed encouragements the most, noone offered. Was pretty down for a while.... applying for internships after internships..kena rejected time and time again. Looked at my resume. looked at my grades.. not bad..but I guess I needed that umph..
So day in day out, I stared at the box, awaiting replies. I stared at the 4 sided handheld device, hoping it rings.None. Demoralised. Was thinking, maybe a prozac might help. And i didnt help that everyone else had gotten attachments.
I waited and waited and applied. And hey, good things comes to those who waits, better things come to those who dun need to wait. For me. It's the good thing. I finally got an internship. Im, happy now. Im smiling to myself more now. I look brighter. But this is life. One day you are sad, the next you are happy. It's one cycle again and again. I'll find fault with my life one way or another, we all will. Just remember, no matter how bad things are, theres always light at the end of the tunnel. As long as u are willing to make the effort, the light will always be there.
Hate it or love it.....peace out

Here's how to be a good French..

How many times have we heard of peeps saying, hey, tie the stalk of the cherry with your tongue and if u can make a not, you are a good french kisser..(I see many shy hands)...
Well, it might be true, but let me..Dr Love, give u another method to becoming a good kisser.
Was eating chewy gum pastilles the other day and the sweet got stuck at the back of my mouth on my tooth. Well, my hand was dirty hence i decided to use my tongue to try to pry it out. I couldn't...It was not as easy as it seemed.
Im very sure that a lot of us have eaten gum pastilles before and 9 out of 10 times, the sweet would get stuck at the back of the mouth. I dunno why, maybe its the chemicals in the sweet? (Im not stupid la...Im jus trying to meet the number of words quota per entry) Ok anyways, My point is, if you wanna be a good french kisser, go to the supermarket or the mini mart, or the mama shop, get a gum pastille, and when it get's stuck, use your tongue, and only your tongue to get it out. OOhh.. so exciting, think of the fun you could have..hmm..
Anyways, this is still not the end. If you are a guy, then practice on your girlfriends to see if you have improved. If you are a gal, dun try on ur boyfriends yet, they might be disappointed if you are not good enuff. Being Dr Love, Ill sacrifice myself for you gals, gimme a buzz, and ill be ur test subject for kissing...See.. I'm nice.....wink

Put a suck in it.....

So i was walking around the neighbourhood shopping mall right, and i saw a breast enhancement add. And i stopped, momentarily (only out of pure curiosity, no hidden agenda), to look at the add and of course i was amazed. The process to increase a woman's bust size is that simple. Put a sucking-like cover thingy on the boobs,and the machine will jus suck, literally. (dun let ur mind go stray ok, its prob some vacuum like thing). So anyways.. jus by that simple sucking process, the boobs will increase in size. Well, i din really look at it in detail, it was broad day light, would not be good if people saw a young gentle good looking man like me staring at a boob enhancement add with my hands in my pocket....yeah.. go fig...but thats the basics of it...
Which got me thinking (i like to think,im a thinker)..wouldn't it be more natural for the female species to, you know, get a man to you know..you know..yeah...I wouldn;t mind doing it. I mean, ill charge you much cheaper, Ill prob throw in a few extra sessions for free. I call that, service...furthermore, i promise you a service with a smile...(think abt it)
Which brought me further, I wonder if guys can increase their woohoo as well. Now i'm pretty sure we can't increase it by sucking...don;t ask me how i know.I just know...I mean, I dun...but..you know.. I just know why...really...I just....ah whatever...

Chicken boobs for the soul...

Had a really tough exam paper few days back. The sample paper given was totally way off from the actual paper. Trust me, I was really stunned when the paper was collected. I looked around, I saw mostly shocked faces. Of course there were one or two peeps who seemed unaffected at all, assholes..!!!..
Anyways, seeing several sad faces, I feel compelled to comfort everyone, to console, to be a tinkle friend..(yes for those who dunno what that is, good, for those who do, hey, i was a bored child last time)..Anyways,, back to the blog proper. I just want to say, do not be discouraged, as long as you perservere, work hard and put in all your effort, you will survive. This reminds me of a story..A motivational one.
My dad once told me (actually more than once, almost all the time i think)...that I almost ended up on a tissue paper and got flushed down the toilet bowl. (guys who are very clear what this means, maybe u should find a new hobby, read a book or somethin. Gals who know what this means, er.. so much for a decent and innocent society).. Anwyays, if this claim is true, that it would mean that I held on for dear life, not letting go at the end of the road (though there was certainly light at the end of the tunnel). I held on as long as I could. No matter what, I din give up. The result? Hhmm..need I say more? DON'T GIVE UP!!..Now that's food for thought..well not quite food, but if u consider it food.....hey,., whatever makes you happy..

Toy soldier

Step by step, me and me fren were talkin over tea and u know, talking abt guy stuff (girls basically). Being both in a business school majoring in finance, our main goal in life is that make money (and love)...well, we figured that girls are hard to get, most of the good ones are already taken.
"I would love to be a toy boy to those rich tai tai's" a voice from my mouth came out, and me fren was like, hmm,, yeah hor,,, sounds quite fun...."it actually sounds cool, i mean, they might be old, but they have the money and they go for body treatment and stuff, and they are experienced"...heck, some look even better than some of my frens..hhmm no offence..
so we looked to the sky... and hmm.. so i said,, one day we should go to that hotel famous for tai tai's looking for toy boys..(cant say where, later i get sued.. not good)...
I mean its good fun huh, you get to enjoy everything, and after every "performance".. a hundred dollar bill in your underwear, right smack where the sun don't shine and does not want to shine....
Either case.. I reckon that's where Im headed..to that hotel for high tea if i cant get me a job for the hols..Maybe then they might show me a thing or two and then they can start on my toy soldier.......Hence, if any one, my dear brothers in arms, wanna be in my caravan of love... u know where to find me...hahah....KIDDING....or am i???

That lumpy thing...

And the winner is.....well it never is Miss Singapore.
Year after year, I watch Miss Singapore in hopes that the winner will do us proud in the Miss Universe contests. and then, year after year, i watch Miss Universe in awe as i have never seen so many babes at one go.
Year after year, i wonder why we never win, of course some years, those that represent our country aren't that pretty and stuff, but im pretty sure that we ain't that bad to the extent that we seldom, if ever, make it to the top 5. I mean, Im pretty sure we will never win, heck, those in miss teen USA are more hot than all our winners combined....but im pretty sure we have the standard to reach top 5 most times....
And so the question is WHY? Well, was looking at Celeste "performin" during the miss singapore and i saw that lumpy thing on her left arm. And i realised, its prob the reason why we never make it past the swim wear round. That BCG for TB is rare among those Miss Universe judges and they prob must be thinking.. what in sickness is that..
When an old time Aussi fren of mine saw the BCG on me left arm many years back, she freaked out....prob tot i landed in Roswell.....
Hence... my two cents worth, to reach top 5, Cheryl and the future Miss Singapore better cut that lumpy thing out....then again, it would leave a scar..hmm...oh the glimmer is no longer bright..sigh....I KNOW!!.get those nurses to inject into the other people's arse.. then it wun show on the arm, but it prob wun be as effective as well....damn.. this is what i call arse luck....

Don't tell you. (No it's not a new show by michael douglas.)

So i ask, how much did you buy ur power book for.. and she goes "dun tell u". (yes if ur name starts with char and ends with lene... yes its u)..which reminds me of the world's most irritating two phrases. one of which is "don't tell you"

How many a time in my childhood days when people says to me, i dun tell u. My goodness. I mean, is it just me? And it makes you wonder, whats so wrong with telling me..(the girl whose name is char and ends with lene, im not angry with u ookie, how can i, u are forever smiling, except when talking to me, but i jus need something for my blog..wink)

The second most irritating phrase ever said is "No never mind". Raise your hands whoever has some come up to you and say something like "Ey, you know what" and then u go like "ya?" and he/she says "oh no never mind" OR..."Ey u know what he said abt u" and then after u acknowledge, he/she goes "Oh no nothing la, nvm"

It's like what the *beep*. Of course another irritating qualifier is someone repeating whatever the heck u say, word for word...

Anwyays peeps, u know what i heard? ah forget it, nothing la..cheers!

The curse of the black curl......

While it is streotype that most females are terrible drivers (mind you, stereotypes normally emerges from evidences), it is not advisable to make fun of these gender different homosapiens.
I recalled sometime last year, was talking to two lady frens who drives.Then I was complaining to them that lady drivers cant drive for nuts, and naturally, they were defensive, (all women are anyways). Few days later, on the day of my first exam, a lorry hit the car i was driving in. Only, it was my fault. Luckily enuff, it was a mere bump and i just had to pay for the guy's lorry headlamps.
Which leaves me with only one conclusion, never talk abt lady drivers.. no matter how kayu they may be, how terrible their driving can be.. dun ever curse...
In actual fact, to my credit, ive hit my side mirror on a long lorry (it was not moving, i was disillusioned) and i basically hit a wall in a condomimium carpark while doing a 3 point turn (in front some more),,, hence lady drivers aint that bad...(well they are.. but we shall not say ya)
Rememeber,, in the words of SPace/.... the female of the species is more deadly than the male...haha.. u decide all.. to all,,, drive safely no matter what..dun drink and drive ya...cheers!

The 4 P's

Just had my final MKTG 101 test few days back. I realised that there are a lot of marketing theories to understand. One of the most famous things in marketing are the 4 P's. basically Price, Product, Place and Promotion. Basically marketers just had to create as many P's as they could to call it 4 P's. I mean it would not have sounded nice if they called it, Price, Product, Adverts and Location, then it be 2P's, 1L and 1 A.......
Hence I was talking to my fren and I decided, since I'm studying marketing and this would make a, well.... a "Marketer", hence i feel that i should come up with my own theories, to put in my thesis if ever i wanna do a PHD....
Alas,, I came up with my own 4... the 4 Sais.....
These Sais, will serve as descriptions in life, either if u want to describe an object, or a feeling or just someone....
Psai (nose shit), Pang Sai(just plain shit), Lao sai(Wet shit) and Kana sai(an adjective that describe someone or something as looking or tasting like shit). In fact, you can actually name your kids these, especially if u have 4 children..maybe...
Hmm.. there are more.. but whose counting.... this is all crap anyway.. get it.. crap.wahaha..*cough cough*..hmm... what's my age again?...mmmm.. right....

It's just a little crush...

Was reminiscing today about how i had crushes on my teachers back in the non-uni days. Well they weren't really crushes but u know, "admire" is the word. I remember once in Sec school, there was this teacher whose name,not surname though, was the same as the hot babe from the show, Here's looking at you babe..And trust me, this teacher was not far from being a babe. If anything, she got all of us guys goin..hmm..Anyways...then there were two hot looking teachers in Primary school. Only problem was one had damn nice face, no body, the other had damn good figure, jia lat face....Hence, we always fantasised abt these two switching their goods and their bads..boy, when it came to imaginations, the sky was the limit.
We all gave names to teachers then. If a teacher had big jugs and lets say her surname was pua, then there be names like Puamela Anderson. Or if we hated a teacher and she was like old and her surname was like say wu, then it be like so and so wu (have) sagging boobs...trust me, the list goes on.
Yeah it sounds childish but hey, those days, we were all children..we still are..children of our parents.wink.....
Disclaimer -- If any teachers have surnames as such above, it's pure coincidence. Please do not start wondering if its you, cos in every relationship breakup, it's not you, it's me.....cheers all...

Boobs, I did it again.......

Was reading the papers yesterday,one article said that it was healthy for guys to oogle at breasts.. Unfortunately for the reporter on that article, its old news, at least to me. Partly cos all my life, since i can remember, I have been boob watching.. big,small, round, long, poky and my favourite one... cute and perky.
It is said that it is healthy as it increase blood flow.... i reckon the reason why i am so skinny so because the increase in blood flow leads to increase in my body's metabolism rate.. hence my size...
My fetish with boobs did is not "intrinsic" though.. its all my cousin's fault... see.. when i was a young boy,, we were playing with Barbie..yes the doll.. so she was like hey, why not u close ur eyes and just kiss ( kiss the doll she meant).. so i did just that.. I close my eyes and moved forward with only my instinct guiding me. When i felt the plastic toy against my lips, i kissed....opened my eyes... Call it fate... but my lips landed on the boobs of Barbie....Ah.. my first taste at breasts at an early age...
I have no regrets though....Ill continue to do what i do best...so, if you gals out there find my staring at ur boobs, dun be angry,, be happy, u are doing a public service ....mmmmm...... booooobies......

Toilet Mysteries....The saga... at least for now...

So you rarely see a queue outside the male toilet but u always see one at the females'. Cos we've got urinals you might argue. Well, guys ain't all that lucky when it comes to urinals. There are two types basically. One is the specially for you type and the other is the stand and piss against the wall type. For the first, its pretty alright only that the urine sometimes bounces back at the pisser.The manufacturers have not been able to correct that angle of reflection. Then there are the high ones where short peeps like me have to tip toe and piss (Food Haven toilet has one that I have to tip toe first). Finally, sometimes, some clever guy throws their tissue into the urinal and expects it to dissolve, only it does not. It actually soaks up in piss and becomes a wanton...appetizing i might add.Im serious, it looks like a wanton.

For the second, its more uncommon however. Zouk's winebar has that though. Imagine 5 to 6 peeps standing abreast of each other, pissing against the wall. U get the pic..not good...FIrst, the piss ALWAYS flies back to our pants or shoes (sometimes, its not even your own piss...hmm...). The worse is that the flush is always at the top and rarely works well. Hence when one guy finishes pissing and he decides to flush, the flushes at the top will splurt the purest of water onto the legs of those still pissing. AAh.. the fountain of youth....

Hence, while we guys have the good side of not queueing, we make it up by pissing on ourselves. Which do you prefer gals... go fig.....

Toilet Mysteries....Part III

Today, the mystery of guys who can't aim is revealed,thru yours truly.
There are many reasons for guys missing the bowl, but I shall mention the commons.....First would be due to sickness, a concern to the prostate,this we shall not dwell into as there is clearly nothing to joke about. The others however, we are probably very guilty of, yes, including me. The second is someone calling you when u are pissing and u turn ur body to ans. The third would be coughing or sneezing when performing the fountain. This i am so guilty of. Once i sneezed while u know, and gosh, did i have to wipe up after...
The fourth is what i call the shaker... in the words of Goodcharlotte, shake it once that's fine, shake it twice thats ok, shake it 3 times, you are playing with urself. For those who dunno, guys seldom (not that i know of)use tissue and wipe, they just shake shake shake.most times, the droplets just fly elsewhere.
Last but clearly not the least is what i call, Twin Peaks. It's where the channel of piss, comes in two lines. Girls, dun worry, dun bother, Guys, U know what I'm talking about.
But guys come on.... wipe a bit la, or do what i do, wash my hands and sprinkle water all over the floor...blend......Cheers all...

Toilet Mysteries....Part II

We all have our favourite place of solace (outside of home). Mine is somewhere on the second floor of a certain building in school, where I can create a small whirlpool of my own, yes, I'm in control, I have the power.... (noone can disturb)
Anyways, when I was a wee small lil boy, my dad told me to put the toilet seat down and squat on it. Believe me, it was no simple feat. The act of balancing could have well won me a place in the circus. Amazingly, I dun recall missing my targets. Partly cos at that age, the defeacated outputs were mere pebble sized figurines. But I think the height gave them the potential energy to actually splash some newater onto the cheeks of my ass...
Alas,those days are gone..now...I carefully place a thin layer of pang sai zua (toilet paper) around the toilet seat, and then I calmly sit down and do my stuff.
There are times when I actually sit for too long and the paper gets stuck to my ass, not a nice sight I must add.
But hey, whose complaining...show ur hands, anyone, if you have never placed toilet paper in public toilet bowl seats...come on...COME ON.....!!..... just as i tot,,,, noone....
and so the mystery continues......

Toilet Mysteries....Part I

This time, no wind to blow,all I had was an exam paper to do. I crouched my body and crunched my stomach, shifted from side to side, telling myself to control for one and a half hours until the exam was over. For a moment, I was about to let one rip but I knew if i did, the poor girl would beside me would probably just fail her exam on the spot due to unnatural blackout.
Anwyays, I din manage to control and in 20 mins, I dashed out of the class and ran to the john...letting one rip while i ran. Normally I would try to balance in my shoes while trying to take off my pants (so as to not dirty my feet with whatever maybe on the floor), this time I just stood on the toilet floor and stripped down.
As I sat and with the initial splurt, I told myself "afterall, I aint going anywhere". As I sat and wriggled my toes a while, I tot of the exam question and EUREKA!.As easy as that, I figured out the method to solve my questions. Amazingly enuff, I managed to rush back (with no lingering smell i might add) and complete the paper on time, on target.
Indeed, it's amazing how sometimes, the loo can give us ideas just like that. It is said that one of the best ideas comes from the toilet...a mystery I might add...indeed.....

The purest of pain..

So i got out of the car right, and I used my left hand to close the door. Which I do not know how but by some freak of nature, my left hand was caught in the path of the door, which in my quick reaction i pulled it out as fast as i could but the door managed to catch the tip of my thumb.
The pain was excruciating...trust me, for that brief 5 secs, all the XXYY$$##@@^^**&& I could have sweared.. I did. Of course i was swearing at the door, which of course served no purpose.
Yes it hurt damn bad la and I was thinking, what could be more pain than getting ur finger slammed btw a door, BY YOURSELF?? And i came up with the ans...........
Imagine closing a door in ur house, only to get ur baby toe get chopped btw the bottom of the door and the floor...Now that is by far the most killing pain,(im talking abt pains that do not need any form of medical attention and does not involved like blood or anything, just self healing stuff)....
Getting ur hand slammed by a car door comes in second and kicking the edge if a cupboard follows closely behind, of course there could be others,, but hey,, whose counting. Anyways, if any of u have not tried number 1 yet.. do so,,,the feeling is undescribable (not sure how u spell this word).....remember,.. no pain.... no gain....

Gong Xi Fa Cai

Ah yes, the time for the chinese zodiac sign to change to a new animal has come and but ppl have been flocking to avoid this year to get married for there are superstitions about it. Anyways, the Lunar New Year is for all Chinese in the world, whenever, whereever. But what makes us Chinese is not just about looking chinese. I am constantly reminded by the song by a chinese rapper based in the states and his hit single "learn chinese".. go fig...but still, I agree with this cute chap. We as Chinese have to learn mandarin, if not, what's the point of being Chinese?
Was at Popular bookstore recently and I was flipping thru some children story books and there were the usual titles of "journey to the west", "romance of the 3 kingdoms" bla bla.. u get my drift ya? Yet one book caught my attention. "Jiao Au De Gong Ji"........below it was an english translation to the title, "The proud cock". True enough, the story book was about a cock who was proud. By cock I mean fowl...and not the instrument that increases and decreases in size throughout the day.
We have to learn and understand this wonderful and beautiful language. We must becareful not to directly interpret it or we might just come up with some weird sounding translations. Take it from me, the mandarin expert. Hey, I took higher chinese in school and got a very high grade..a 7 was what I got, the highest possible grade was a 9, not bad if you ask me....... yall go learn chinese aye...

I'm how clever la......

It has come to my attention that a lot of girls in my school are already taken up or going to be taken up. Noticing the trends of the guys and of course the recent uprising of our local idols,(referring to the one who points to the camera and winks which i dunno for what squat), girls nowadays like the "SO.." look.. That's probably why the singer who mumbles his mandarin words is so popular among girls.
Not too long ago, about many years back however, it was thought that girls like the romantic sort, the sensitive sort. Me being in secondary school then, (all male school i must clearly emphasise), meant that I needed to be this type of a guy to attract hot babes.
And so I did. Embarked on my journey to find my inner self and be as sweet and understanding as I can be. Fair enough, with my efforts, I have become what some would call "the perfecet boyfriend". Well, cos of my good looks and super nice patient and sweet nature. But still, I rarely( overstatement) get girls flocking to me. Times have changed and as mentioned, girls like the "SO" look. The sweet guy who understands my needs..is so passe...
It's too late now to change to this image..Fortunately, I know this is a phase and girls will soon like another form of guys. I am anticipating it. I believe the geek style will be in fashion and hot babes in miniskirts will go for the E=MC2 type. And when that day comes, I will be waiting, laughing till my tits drop, I will be THE MAN. Till the day comes, off to the Library!!!!!!....I know what you are thinking,, I'm how clever la.. too bad.. I tot of it first and none of u nincumpoops can do anything abt it. cos u will never know,,, never!!!!!!..hmmm.. wait... oh....

The X factor !!!

There's one x that I miss, the one x that guys talk about at the age of just having one head, one tail, and millions of frens whom prob have died while doing the daily or wekkly swim meet, the "X-man". and no it's not the cartoon .....

Bras, yes bras, gotta love them ( I do love them). By far, this is one of the things that have been invented and is liked by all ages, all sexes.. Some girls like to wear translucent shirts and from the back, we can see the straps of the bras..and of course, the one that intrigues me, i mean all guys, esp during the sec school days, were of the x-man shaped ones. If you gals dunno what X man shapes are,, well, er... hmm..can't help u there. Anyways, dun blame us.

It all started when a handful of colourful babes jumped out of a canvas like thing while shouting, "Bee dees are cool, Bee dees are flashy.( the word flashy is sang with a high pitch at the end)" If ya dunno what the heck that is, then erm.. hmm.. right....MAn.,.. they dun make commercials like they used to....sigh......

Still, I am not a hum sup lo ( hokkien i think, for pervert) or chee ko pek (well maybe still a bit), but all I'm saying is, girls!, dun wear translucent clothes. I mean I'm not complaining, but hey, I worry for you. I feel your pain, I feel your hurt, I feel your desire. it's for the better of mankind and all that is good. Pls, if you gals wanna wear translucent tops,at least check with me and show me what bras you have so that I can assist you...hmm.... (now that din sound quite right does it....???....hmm..... whose your daddy...)

Wise words from the elderly.....

"Aunty u can clear my can drink", and with that, she starts her story of the day.
I was having dinner at a kopitiam few days back, the day i "sharted", and the ah ma (meaning super super old lady, old enuff to be your grandmother) told me that she would get scolded if she cleared the empty can as another person would collect the cans for money.
"Scold her back" I said and then she started telling about how someone scolded her for clearing their plates i think.

She was intensely agitated by my comment. She came to my side, inch by inch, she crept closer to me. If I hadn't known better, I would think she was gonna molest my handsome face. Anyways, from what seemed to be the smallest mouth ever (just touch ur index finger to ur thumb and ull get the size of her mouth), she blurted out in hokkien. Being the banana that I am, I understood only the gist or cist of it..but what i did understand what the words "Kan ni na bei chee bye"........With these powerful and influential words, I tot she was speaking a language I could understand. At that point, she was so close to me you'd prob think we were gonna make out....right there. in front of the chicken rice uncle....

It's amazing how an old and feeble looking, not to mention under nutritioned looking, ah ma had so much energy to speak the language of the bengs and lians. It is said that our elders have the wisdom that we lack, well it certainly was evident that night....take care yall,,,Na bei la, bye la!!!!... ooi! siam ji pee lei!!!

Orh, u say bad word, I tell teacher !!!

If I had a nickel for everytime someone in primary school said that to me, boy would I be driving a fairlady by now. The funny thing is, the word is not the F word or the B word that you use to describe probably almost every new age girl in this country. Amazing how evolution has made us more suceptible to these words that they are now part of our lives.

The word, alas my frens, is gu gu jiao. However, coming from an all male primary school, (sadly enuff, secondary school as well), gu gu jiao (penis) is not that big a deal (well at that age, it was not that big either, but anyways..that's beside the point). I remember saying the word Nei nei pok (Female boobies, jugs, whatever...) once n my fren (at the age, everyone was a fren, u din really know how to differentiate between an ass and a fren then) was like, orh!! u say bad word, I tell teacher.

Queer huh. I say bad word?? It's like the way we used to say, teacher, he make me. I dun fren you...Technically, we spoketh no propereth English.

Anyways, we got by and now, we hardly even hear the word gu gu jiao or nei nei pok. We just say, wah lan, her nei si bei dua. Or, girls would prob say, his dick or the male version of the animal that crows every morning.

But hey, I guess I was quite a talented boy when I was in primary school. I had these huge repertoir of words which I could use and vice versa, could be used against me in the court of the form teacher (and naturally I did not have any right to remain silent), who would make me stand at one corner and put my index finger at my lips. Either I was intelligent, or I was just plain pervertic and Hor#$...Oh well, looks like you will never know... all u gu gu jiaos and nei nei poks out there.....cheers!

The best orgasm !

Ooh, ahh.. wah.. yes.. shiok.
Ah, the ever most popular sounds ppl make when they are in moments of pleasure. That's what I felt today, this night, when i got home. I was having dinner outside and suddenly, a pang of pain hit me. Below my belly button or Dor Jai. Then the wind blew and it made the pain worse ( Chinese grandmothers call this "wind"). I trudged towards my vehicle, meanwhile, I sharted I think ( Farted and then shit came out).
Anyways, using the techniques of yoga and pilates, I did the tradition of the ninja's and controlled the pain back to my house. All in all it was a good 15 mins. Then, dashing to my toilet, i closed the door and Wham Bang, Thank you Maam.

The feeling to lao sai in the comfort of your own toilet after controlling it for 15 mins is by far, the most orgasmic in the world. I'm sure we all had our soft stool days, challenge me and tell me that this is not the most orgasmic feeling. Your own clean jum bun.

Now, where's that chicken curry for dinner with extra coconut milk??

I'm Back!!!

After a long holiday, I've decided to return to my journals. Well, also due to overwhelming requests for me to get back to writing my blog. (Actually only 3 people have asked but still.....).

Usually my journals are crap, just for this once, I would just like everyone to reflect on the event that happened recently. We now know that at the end of the day, we are humans, occupants of this earth. We do not know why things happen, especially if things are out of our control. But when things are within our control, why still do it? When a catastrophe like the recent one occurred, helped poured in from all sorts of people. Yet, people still fight and destroy each other.

We can change. Be it big or small, we can change. As cliche as it may be, we all have good in us. Do we want to use it?

Pray... Love....

Granny Goose

In my white uniform with a blue collar and tight shorts which makes the shape of my genitilia when i sit, I walk into 7-eleven, reach towards the highest shelf and grab myself a Granny Goose. This brean of BBQ potato chips are the best I've ever eaten in my life. But it's all gone, all gone. No mercy, the old bird was killed.But as with life, the memories remain. Granny was not the only thing being exterminated. I remember those darn things that were responsible for making our tongues colourful, neon bandits, selling for 10 cents a piece were gone as quickly as they came to existence.
What justice was there to Milano's, which had the best pizza and lasagne this country had to offer, and A&W which had the best coney dogs,especially on Tuesdays. They also had one of the best waffle ice creams. Come to think of it, Domino's was good too, think they became U.S. pizza i think.
It's sad to know that good food sometimes do not last. You wonder why it is so especially when the food is good. There are definitely more but all you can do is just picture them in our minds from time to time and Salivate.
Go ahead, be drooly, just remember to wipe up. Sigh, oh Granny Goose where art though.

Can we be incredible?

Just watched The Incredibles today. Not bad a show. It made me think. We all live in the era of superhero characters and stuff. I know that when I was young, I wanted to have super powers too. I was dreaming from the likes of the x-men. Sometimes it was super strength, sometimes it was teleportation, the list goes on.
We all have our desires, we all have our dreams. We all have a special power/s that we would like to have. What is for sure is that we all want the powers for our own selfish wants. Can we really say we want the power just purely for altruistic notions and motives? Sad to say, we seldom or never can.
For me, I know what power i want now in life. If only.....If only.....

Who said girls are nice!

Just had a camp over the weekend. Was a facilitator to a group of girls from a girl's home. On day 1 they exhibited a scary facade which of course made me and my other group facilitators feel uneasy. But over the course of 3 days, they grew to like me and they were friendly to me. They called me a nerd, a loser, a lamer and i cant remember what else, I choose to ignore. I learnt a lot from the camp. I also had my fair share of eyeopning events which i shall not mention to protect those girls. But trust, if anything, it was realyl an eyeopener that I wanted to close.
Looking at them, it would seem that many of us take for granted what good things we have. We have the freedom to do wat we want and anytime we want, for those girls, they cant. For one, she need to be confined for one whole year. But all in all, they were not bad people. they were jus given the wrong directions and sometimes, they perceive the wrong things. They were really nice girls. They apologised when they knew I was angry at them. and at the end, i told them, dun get into any more trouble. I grew fond of them, I grew attached to them. I do hope that they change for the better.
For everyone else, do not take for granted what you have. Do not take ur parents for granted. Do not take life for granted. Love, Love is all you need.

Let's play Rubber!

So I was at the bookstore with my fren and he was talking to his gf and he said he hit his fren after losing a match of eraser during primary school, if I recall correctly. He said cos he was the erase king!
Kids, we think of the weirdest things to do with out spare time in school. In primary school it was playing eraser where one player will try to push his eraser above the opponent's eraser. Normally we would have an eraser with a country's flag on it. The winner would confiscate his opponent's eraser. Anyways, the winner of the class would be called Eraser King. Ha! I was close to being one. I had this huge big rubber, we called it rubber. Noone could beat me cos it was too big. But I lost in the end. Some ass used a damn small rubber that I could not go above it and cover it. I recall that we also played pencil and paper games like using the pencil to shoot spaceships and enemies by pushing the pencil and see where the lead trail ends up. Ha. Then in secondary school we played the three coin game where the coin had to be flicked between the other two coins and into a "goal".
Stupid games yet we all played them. Those were the days. I still have my fair share of eraser countries at home. Hmm,,, It is ya, amazing what people can come up with just to entertain oneself using the most basic things. The evolution of the human race, the adaptation of Man.

Horse Divorce

So the stewardess approach this man and he says hi " what's for the Horse Divorce" and the stewardess was like WHAT? What an embarrassment. He was referring to Hors D'oeuvres. Then at another place known as Miss Marple in Aussieland, the waitress comes and he orders a Kway Chee Lorraine. This time the waitress laughs but red covers my face. He was ordering a Quiche Lorraine. My goodness. Different words are pronounced differently at different places, it is a must that we know how to pronounce what ever words to avoid such an embarrassing situation. Anyways, the British have one of the best language humours in the history of mankind, to my knowledge. Dating back years ago, I remember the likes of Alo Alo and Mind your Language. I can never forgot these two commedies. They were at their prime, at their peak. The distinguishing "Good mewning" and of course, the ever charming "Mr Brown" never fails to send a tickle. He, or so Ive heard, became a porn actor. And I think that he is not alive now. Actually, the Black Adder was not bad too. A breather from the usual slapstick Mr Bean. Comedies like the Office and Coupling and others cant capture much of the comic essense present in the past but it's all good in their own right. Maybe it's cos we ain't getting much exposure to them here. They even took Whose Line Is It Anyway from a prime time slot. Geesh, what happened to good comedies.
Now pls excuse me while I start on my Horse Divorce.

I was F-ed when I was young

It was in primary school when I heard the F word, actually they were F words. It was all around. Some frens were speaking it. But it was not the four letter word. It was a lingo, a jargon, a phase in our lives. It was known as the F language. For example, "can I speak to mark", would be "Can fan I Fi speak Feak to Fo Mark Fark". It's like a name game thingy. It was rather popular for a brief moment,( so was alien workshop). Anyways, then came another language known as dribble. Which up till now I do not understand how it goes. It was like tilegee, buloogoo..bla bla...i dunno. But my cousins were speaking in this like years ago. I guess, just like everyone, we all have our phases in life. There was a time when Armani hairstyle was popular, before that was the center parting hairstyle. ( I still remember I had this long green comb jus for styling). And now the style is a ex Beckham like style, a little jap and so on. We all grow into a phase and grow out of it and thinking back, we wonder why we did that, But at that time, we were how in man, or so we thought. I have always thought myself as being IN, but looking at my pathetic number of frens, i beg to differ.
But hey, those were memories, all alone in the moonlight. Money cannot buy, though it's all about the money, it's all abt the dum dum didi dum dum, which I dun think it's funny.

Take Fake Care Fare Yall Fall !!!!

Make a Guess, I have Gas!

Does Gas ring a bell? Banana Republic? These are brands that existed eons ago and now they are gone, to my knowledge la that is. I still remember a time when Gas was popular. Banana Republic was not much of a brand la. Im pretty sure there were others but the two brands that comes to my mind is these two superbly cute brands. Ready? Hold your breath.

Kiko and Kiki Lala!

If you know these two brands, you have got to be at least 20 years old now. I remember seeing the kangaroo jumping into the letter O of kiko in its commercial. I remember kids singing KIKI LALA!! Haha. Ah yes, I know I had a Kiki Lala pair of jeans before. I remember my little ass so cute, then my little thing and then I put that thing err..hmm...dun think its appropriate to mention it here huh?
I was cute, I was a cute boy, indeed I was. Now, there is only Osh Kosh Begosh and Cerisi. Halehoohoo...........

I love Jane's stuffings! Her ingredients are orgasmic!

Hi all those who are only reading this in hope of discovering some sexual pleasure which cannot be found elsewhere. But alas, it is not what you thought it would be. Yes it's Jane, yes it's her stuffings, yes it's sexually enticing, but it's her cake i'm talking about.

Jane's cake shop. The best chocolate cake there is. I had it. Someone special gave it to me. Thank you. As life must have it, there are critics, there are skeptics. So he says " I bet you my mum's choco cake is the best!" So I said " why not we have a competition?" So the game is set. The battle of the chocolate cakes. At the right time, at the right ambience, at the right temperature, we will have our battle. But I am sure I will win. Why, cos I always do. I always win. I am always right.

That will do Glen. that will do. (Ba ram you, Ba ram you)

The Wonder Years!

Was reading papers yesterday and read an article on Seinfeld. Brought me back to years back, I remember that show. Full of shit. But it was good, I remember a Newman? I miss old shows. I remember this one show that was really popular among my family members called the Wonder Years. It was technically a black and white show. I cant really remember the show itself but I know I watched it. Then after that it was the 90210 phenomenon and of course Melrose Place which I din like. Ok I sound gay but hey, those were cool shows in my view.

Old cartoons also get me going, I miss cartoons like Masks (not the Jim Carrey Mask), Centurions, Visionaries, Thundercats, Gummy bears, my Little Pony, Glow Worms, Exo Squad, He-man, the old Transformers and many more. Newer ones include Freakazoid, Animaniacs, Tiny Toons and the legendary X-men. Now of course i still love cartoons like Samurai Jack, Powerpuff Gals, Johnny Bravo, I am Weasel and others. But I must admit, none capture the essence of good cartoons like the oldies. I wish they'd bring back visionaries again.

Cheers! Happy watching all the new ones now. I still miss the good ol days. Till we meet again, in thunder lightning or rain, smiles!

All that Glitters Ain't Gold

Hmm, the song by prince or should I say, the Artist formerly known as prince or should I say the Artist?

Anyways, I remembered long ago, in secondary school. I used to be engaged in the best hobby in the world. Psai. Yes, I loved to dig my nose. Actually, I love to dig my nose. I can still remember how I used to dig and roll it up into a ball. For people who have experienced snow, it's like preparing to make a snow ball. Only instead of throwing at people, you either hide it under the table, or fling it on the floor. I prefer the latter. I guess that is why for a momentary period when there was an odd number of students in my class, I was the only one sitting right at the back of the class without any partner. I guess noone wanted to strike it rich with me.
The best part of digging nose is then you are able to get that nostril hair out. Let me tell you, literally, tears will come out of your eyes. It is, in the words of Ah seng, Si Bei Shiok ah!
Speaking of hair, I know a family member of mine, who loves to use his index finger and thumb to pluck out his short beard. Actually, I've seen people who use two ten cent coins to perform this straneous task. Try it, you won't regret it.
A friend of mine told me this joke. What is the difference between a Psai (nose shit) and a plate? One you put on the table and the other you put under.
What is the difference between a psai and a bowling ball? One you throw and it rolls, the other you roll first, then you throw.
My point is, we all have our idiosyncracies. Do not be afraid to do it, yeah do it, just do it. I said do it.Do not be afraid you will end up at some Kopitiam drinking stout and picking your toe jam, as long as you like it, hey, enjoy. Research shows that if you live for the moment, you will enjoy it to the fullest. So give it a go, and what do you know, you might just be happier than ever.

A Walk to Remember

I'll always remember, it was late afternoon, in places noone will find, all my feelings were deep in side. It was then that I realised, that forever was in my eyes, that moment, I cried.

Yes, I changed the words a little. Was watching A Walk to Remember today. Probably my third time watching. I was called a sentimental Snag. Hmm. What's wrong? Some people like action, some people like comedies, some like seeing an old woman screw a much younger man. Me, I like sweet movies and chick flicks. Where the guy gets the gal in the end. Trust me, movies like the Princess Diaries, Ella Enchanted, The Prince and Me, She's the one and others, they give me the hmph. Yeah, you heard me, things that make you go mmm.

That's me, your sensitive new age guy. I'm no Jerry Maguire but I'm as good as it gets. Hey, I'm the guy that people call Boyband when I was working at a large CD store which is probably on the brink of closing down now. I have a name, I had a dream.

To my point, in this age of violence, sex in the city (anywhere for that matter), what we need is a little romance. We need a virtual sanctuary where we can smile and say hey, I'm gonna be a high school jock, I'm gonna get that cheerleader. So, people, friends, families, comrades, dun be shy. Dun be afraid. Go and watch those love stories. Go and start with Gone with the Wind (Note, drink two lattes before watching).

Make love, not war, not violence, not babies (unless you are married).
Remember, all you need is love. But hey, you dun always have to agree, with someone like me. that's the way it should be.

Let's do a quickie!

You will always be my boo. Best friend and I were talking and she was hearing songs on the radio. The song by a man who shows you to your seat and the solution to a lock titled "My boo" played. What the hell is my boo? So if I want to be with my gal, do I call her my Goo? Then what happens to my Poo?
Funny how my Boo can make me think of Apu. Ah, yes, a ring of nostalgia jingles in the back of my mind. Apu, the nice indian man who has one wife and 12 kids. The indian man who runs a minimart known as The Quickie Mart. Ah yes, the Simpsons. Funny how the show has been around for so long but noone really bothers to follow it. Basically, this journal makes no sense. Hmm.. Beer...
Then I was talking to another fren, old classmate of mine. ?He says to me, hey Glen, remember on your pencil case there was this phrase, Love is all you need?
Hmm,,, nostalgia, reminiscence.
In short, it's amazing what friends can do to you. You can talk about crap all the time but at the end of the day, it's all good.
Well in the words of Ali G, Aye!!!
Enjoy, remember ppl, spread the word, spread the love. Love is all you need.

The zen effect!

It was a dark and stormy morning, the wind was howling, raindrops kept falling on my head, but that did not mean my eyes was turning red, no, crying was not for me. I was not gonna stop the rain by complaning. Because I'm free, nothing was worrying me.

Well it was not really a rainy morning, it was good for tanning actually.
But there was something worrying me. The zen effect. Yes, I stupidly bought an audio device of brand I will not divulge cos this is a legal society, Dun wanna get sued. All i know is an apple a day keeps the doctor away and I should have listened to this age old advice and not get affected by Mr Singh's class. It was a bad decision, I am trying to sell off the disappointment of the year ppl around me did not help. Huh! Eee. Why buy that? Thanks, if only these had come a wee bit earlier.

But hey, Herb Simon's Bounded Rationality says that we buy things on the impulse only to regret it later. But apparently, the endowment effcet does not work here. I wonder why, has my utility for the player gone so far down that I not only adapted to it but I hate it? Maybe. All I know is, I hope those smiling people choke on their apples for nothing beats a creative mind. Or so I thought.

I'm still selling it though, at a right price and time, I'll shake your hand. Heck, I'll even throw in an A & W coney dog voucher for you.

Freshie!

This is the first time I am doing this blog thing. I wonder how am I supposed to go about doing this. I think it's dumb and lame yet I can't stop typing. Yes, I am a virgin. A blog virgin. (and whichever way u want to think of).

So, here's a toast, a toast to all that is good and good looking. A toast for a successful blog where my unimaignative mind will try to be as creative as possible. Who knows, one day, someone might just want me to write for their column. Cheers to all, cheers to Henserm!